After doing extensive research on the effects that the various detonations would have on Pittsburgh, I have come up with some new, profound, groundbreaking data that every single Pittsburgh sports fan must read. But brace yourself first or just pour yourself a good stiff drink.
ABOVE: A gigantic asteroid slams into Pittsburgh. Hey don't worry about it, it'll be over in a second. You won't even have time to feel it!
First of all, forget downtown...it's history. Even the smallest nuclear warhead on the list, the famous "Little Boy" that was dropped on Hiroshima in 1945, is enough to completely wipe out downtown. However, the initial blast area will also take out PNC Park, (a great place to sit and watch fireworks) and even the new Consol Energy Arena that we've never even used yet!!! Fortunately, "Ground Zero" would fall just short of leveling Heinz Field, but the radioactivity would no doubt keep Big Ben out of action that week. At the very least, the coaches' headsets would have a ton of interference.
When you move up the chart to a 1960's Russian Tsar warhead, well you can now forget Heinz Field too. However, where it really gets interesting is what would happen on December 21, 2012 (the end of the Mayan Calendar) if Pittsburgh took a direct hit from an asteroid like the infamous Chicxulub Impact that wiped out the dinosaurs 82 million years ago.
ABOVE: Cheyenne Mountain...future home of yer Pittsburgh Steelers.
ABOVE: Pittsburgh immediately after a direct asteroid hit. It won't be pretty here or anywhere in the eastern half of the country. The rest of the world, the "lucky ones," will get to deal with nuclear winter, radioactive fallout, no sunlight, food shortages, plagues...but at least the NFL will survive it!
So Los Angeles will finally get its' NFL franchise, the Steelers, but it will take the demise of Pittsburgh to do it. Since the name, "Los Angeles Steelers," doesn't work, maybe they'll rechristen them the Los Angeles "Car Stealers" and have a logo of a black Roadrunner with gold trim that's burning rubber? Now that might work!
ABOVE and BELOW: The two finalists for the new helmet logo for the "Los Angeles Car Stealers." In memory of the real Steelers, the league will have a small original Steeler logo placed on the fender of the winning car. The team helmets will also have the car logo only on one side as further tribute to the original Black & Gold.
ABOVE: I don't know about you, but I'm kinda partial to the first picture. However, if the driver in this picture was "giving the finger" instead of a thumbs up, it may have helped his chances at winning! After all, Los Angelinos are very into flaunting the law, so they could better relate to that.
But what about the rest of the NFL you ask?
Roger Geddell will save his own hide and the senior staffers who have offices in New York, but he can't save everyone. A stunning 18 of the 32 teams will be fried in this inferno (56%). So that will leave just 14 teams; Thirteen that survived "outside" plus the Steelers who were safely tucked away under Cheyenne Mountain. But how would Ben and Hines do being cooped up together? Now that could be problematic.
ABOVE: If cooped up in a bunker with Big Ben for two months, it's pretty much a lock that Hines Ward will be finding something to "whine hard" about.
If we pretended that this event happened today, most importantly for posterity, here are the surviving teams in each conference and their records:
San Diego 8-3 New Orleans 11-0
Denver 7-4 Minnesota 10-1
Pgh/ LA 6-5 Dallas 8-3
Jacksonville 6-5 Arizona 7-4
Miami 5-6 San Francisco 5-6
Houston 5-5 Seattle 4-7
Oakland 3-8 * Tampa Bay 1-10 *
* Eliminated from playoff competition
Fortunately for the NFL and their remaining living fans, all teams (except just one in each conference) will make the playoffs. When you think about it, the survivors of the "Pittsburgh Impact" will still have to do something with their spare time besides finding food, shelter, water and worrying about an oncoming ice age event. Having NFL games and the playoffs to focus on will be just what the doctor ordered!
By the way, in first round action, San Diego and Denver have byes in the AFC while Minnesota and New Orleans will get the week off in the NFC. Pittsburgh/ L.A will host Houston in the first round in the Coliseum while Jacksonville will host Miami. The NFC matchups will have Dallas hosting Seattle and Arizona taking on San Francisco.
Fortunately for the NFL, the SuperBowl, being played February 7, 2010 is being held in Miami, so there's no problem there.
ABOVE: Never one to miss out on a marketing opportunity, the NFL places a subliminal "blast memorial" behind their SuperBowl logo, coincidentally in the colors of another wiped-out city, Cincinnati.
In a final bit of information, skillfully unearthed by the investigative staff here at "P.B. & G.", we have learned that SuperBowl XLVII (47 for the Latin Roman numeral impared) is already scheduled for Sunday, February 3, 2013 in New Orleans!! All of you should be dancing in the streets right now, because this means that our civilization will indeed survive after December 21, 2012.
Think about it, would the NFL, the most money-mongering organization ever created, schedule an event after the end of the world? Hardly. They'd move the game up to December 20th, 2012 if it was really going to happen!
LEFT: With its' logo already designed, New Orleans will host its' tenth SuperBowl on February 3rd, 2013, further proof that the Mayans are full of crap when it comes to this end of the world stuff. The NFL, after all, would never miss out on a SuperBowl payday!!! Just to be on the safe side, since 12/21/12 falls on a Friday, don't be surprised if Geddell and company decide to hedge their bets and "move the game up" to December16th. In case you're wondering, the end is only 1,113 days away!
SPECIAL THANKS to "Carlos" of Carlos Labs for his input into this story. Of course we knew all along that he wasn't really "Carlos The Jackal", but rather, Carlos the computer programmer and designer"!