Friday, October 23, 2009

POLITICS MADE SIMPLE FOR "P.B. & G." READERS




"CLEARING MY DESK"

During the course of producing this site each week, I find myself researching things and sometimes I'll find a gem that I just can't resist putting up here on Pittsburgh's Black and Gold". Such was the case when I found the doozy of an article below.

I won't take credit for this and for that matter, neither did the site where I found it (although I did manage to greatly embellish it). Let's just file it under the heading of "Web Gems of Unknown Origin made even better by "P.B. & G.""

If for no other reason, you should read this because along with being funny, you may very well learn something in the process.



ABOVE: Two cows at sea. No wonder why every government wants to control them, they're everywhere!

POLITICS FOR THE NON-ILLUMINATED

(Subtitle: POLITICAL DEFINITIONS FOR THOSE WISHING TO CHANGE THE AMERICAN WAY)

Here's a simple way to explain the various forms of government, just in case you're thinking about going to another "ism".

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.


PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.


BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.


PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.


RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.


CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

CHINESE COMMUNISM: Government owns all cows, takes all profit. Tells people of the evils of capitalism.

CUBAN COMMUNISM: Government seizes your two cows, gives you a '54 Studebaker but no milk.

AMERICAN COMMUNISM: Government creates so many laws that you no longer want to own cows, but rather, you hope that some fairy godmother will give you your milk every day for free...along with your health care!

NORTH KOREAN COMMUNISM: This is a unique form of communism where people gladly take care of cows, feed them, milk them daily and give all milk to the government just to insure that whackjob dictator leaves them alone. They have found that they can live without milk.


ABOVE: Cows are highly-prized as everyone knows. Even artists know the value of having two of them as this beautiful painting depicts. I tried to talk my wife into buying this one for our living room, but sadly, no dice...

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.


PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.


REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.


BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.


PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.


LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.


SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


(Original source unknown )