Wednesday, August 12, 2009



From my good buddy "A.C" in the North Hills comes this story of woe that has befallen NFL great and former Pittsburgher, Dan Marino. We should all have problems like this.

He's a Pittsburgh boy....he also has a house to sell that's literally taking him to the "poor house"...or at least to the "moderately wealthy house" anyway.

Dan Marino has decided to throw in the furniture and even an autographed football if that will help him sell his house. Unable to find a buyer for his Weston, Florida home, the Hall of Fame quarterback has a new game plan: He's throwing in $1.5 million worth of designer furniture and a signed football, too!
ABOVE: Marino poses with his wife, Claire. This chick can spend Dan's money like nobody's business! Maybe he should throw her in on the deal too!!!

The former Miami Dolphin first listed the house, located about 25 miles west of Fort Lauderdale, three years ago and has twice cut the price. Now, Marino, 47 years old, and his wife, Claire, are asking $13.5 million for the 15,000-square-foot Tuscan home on four acres. They built it in 1998 and among other things put in a new master suite and marble showers. The home has 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms and two powder rooms. The property includes two guest houses, a pool, a putting green, a 5,000-bottle wine cellar and a pond stocked with bass.

ABOVE: It has long been suspected that Marino and the "Hoff" were accidentally separated at birth. Maybe Hoff would buy the house? He could move in and pretend he was Marino. Claire probably would never be able to tell the difference.

"With three kids in college and a fourth graduating from high school soon, we're looking to downsize a little bit," Marino says. The former footballer, who retired in 2000, first put the home on the market in 2006 for $15.9 million. Now, the home is being offered fully furnished, says listing agent Giselle Bonetti of "One Sothebys Realty", which is marketing the property with "Quintessentially Estates".

Marino adds, "I'll even leave one football, hows that?"

ABOVE: Ever wonder what kind of a buyer's premium you'd get if you dropped $13.5 million in one place? Here it is, one autographed Dan Marino football.

ABOVE: The Marino compound. As a public service, we're going to point out some obvious reasons why this house isn't selling. From this view it's easy to see that the golf course only has one hole with one measly bunker. The grass in the fairway looks like it's browning which tells me that there's no sprinkler system. Marino cut corners big time here. Add to that the fact that with global warming this house is going to be underwater in ten years and you have a very questionable purchase indeed.

ABOVE: The large mirror in Marino's living room looks like it's ready to fall off the wall! Who needs this kind of trouble and bad luck too? Also, vacuuming around all of those tables would really be annoying...another big negative.

ABOVE: This kitchen looks real nice at first glance, but it's actually a lawsuit waiting to happen! If a pan doesn't fall and crack your skull open first, then you'll probably slip and fall on this floor that has waaaaaay too much wax on it. What are they thinking? Wake up people!

ABOVE: This one's easy. Claire has bought so much furniture that you can't even walk through the rooms! Any prospective buyer would be faced with paying to get rid of dumpsters full of excess furniture...that expense on top of paying $13.5 mill.

ABOVE: Talk about buying too much stuff, Dan Marino can't even unpack all of the excess wine that he's purchased. This is why you'll never hear him criticize his wife, because he's almost as bad! At least his mess is confined to one room.

ABOVE: Another major goofup by the Marinos. Who in the world wants to swim in a pool that's shaded by trees? What were they thinking when they decided to do this???

The Marino Estate is another example of reality run amok. Can you imagine trying to pawn off a house for $13.5 million that has 10 bedrooms but twelve baths? On top of that they only have two powder rooms! Two!!! My own home has three bathrooms and one powder room. Using Marino's logic, since he has a combined total of 14 baths and powder rooms versus my four, that means that my home has 28% of the value of Marino's $13.5 million dollar estate. Using Dan Marino math, my home should be worth $3,780,000.

Even though it's not worth that, I'll take it. I'll even throw in my furniture and a signed Dan Marino football too!