Tuesday, June 23, 2009



ABOVE: "Ahhh, sweet dreams oh Prince of Hockey." The only woman you'll ever love is in your bed with you now. How many thousands have lusted after her, never to get to this intimate moment? But there are several unanswered questions as you'll soon learn below.

So you thought the Stanley Cup was named after a man? How about this part of the story: Lord Stanley had it crafted initially as a gift to the most beautiful woman he'd ever met. In fact, Stanley was so smitten by her that he went back to England so that he could put her out of his mind, she was that smokin' hot and that drop dead beautiful. But Stanley was married. After he left Canada, he wrote back and told his son that he wanted him to use the gift (that only he knew) was intended for the lust of his life as the prize for the fledgling hockey association.

Stanley died in Great Britain as one of the richest men in the world, but for all of his wealth he would never consort with the most beautiful woman in all the world. Now here's the really strange part of the story. Her first name, amazingly, was Sydney.So what's going on in the picture above? Is Lord Stanley's spirit, alive and contained in the Stanley Cup, finally experiencing the moment he had always waited for...making love with his goddess Sydney? Or in some twisted way, is Lord Stanley himself a bi-sexual who is irresistibly drawn to Sidney Crosby and getting his dream moment with Pittsburgh's most eligible bachelor?

I personally prefer the first part of this tale to the latter (as I'm sure the "Face of Hockey" would as well). But there's more to this story...

There are several unanswered questions created by this picture. First off, where is Sid sleeping? Is he in his own bed at Mario's place or is he shacked-up in some no-tell motel? Second: If he is in a motel, how would he sneak in the Stanley Cup for some nocturnal activities without being seen?

Thirdly, and even more intriguing, someone else knew about this liaison because they TOOK SID'S PICTURE AS HE SLEPT! This was either done by: a) A jealous lover of Sidney (of which there is no shortage of those around Pittsburgh) b) Mario (who no doubt slept with the cup too and remembered how good it was) or c) Austin Lemieux (who constantly likes to yank Sid's chain).

ABOVE: This unsigned note was found in Mario's kitchen after Sidney's garage door was vandalized by a graffiti artist in Sewickley. Another Austin prank? Hmmmm.

Being an intrepid journalist and all, I figured there was only one way to get to the bottom of this: I'd go to the NHL and find out whose day it was with the cup two nights ago. If it was Mario's night, then we know the picture was taken either by Mario or Austin. But if it was Sid's night? Good Lord he could have been anywhere and any of these ten thousand crazy chicks that follow him around Pittsburgh could have done this.

After calling the NHL office, I got through to the guy who manages the dates for the Stanley Cup. It literally took at least a half hour of being shifted around from one person to another, until finally, finally I got this fellow on the phone who seemed to know what he was talking about. After explaining the whole Lord Stanley love story, the picture of Sid and all the speculation, I got to the point of explaining why I needed to know who had the Cup on Saturday night.

Just as he began speaking there was this loud humming sound that grew louder and louder. What was this? Was it the Canadian government jamming my call? I had to hang up or I thought my head might explode. Immediately after pressing the "end call" button I slapped myself on the forehead. I had finally realized what that horrible humming sound was... it was the sound of a garage door opening! Of course! Now I know why Mario first called it a, "Garage league"!

Obviously, we'll never get the whole story behind this surreptitious photo, but make certain of one thing: This picture will one day be considered one of the most famous sports photos in Pittsburgh history. I, of course will never reveal my source being a journalist and all, but investigative reporter? Ah, no.

One word of advice for Sid: If you're getting people snapping your picture when you're in bed with a trophy, you'd better watch yourself when the "Real McCoy" comes along!

ABOVE: Yeah, I guess the sound I heard had to have come from the NHL's garage door.