Pittsburgh, PA. "The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies." That was the grim announcement made by Commissioner Roger Goodell after a meeting between the NFL Commissioner, President Barack Obama and Dan Rooney, the soon-to-be-confirmed new Ambassador to Ireland. Obama decided to "redistribute" half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league. Many immediately speculated that this was a "quid pro quo" for recently announcing that Rooney would be his Ambassador-Designate to Ireland.
"We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl." said Obama "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times." Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Lions are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather, will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well."
The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."
"My plan will not negatively affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama assures. Thus 96.87 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about losing any of their Super Bowl Trophies. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, or if they have a bad logo or even no logo at all. The personnel decisions that the teams make or their performances aren't important towards winning a trophy, but rather, if they are a member of this great American league. Only the most successful franchise will be asked to make a sacrifice."
Right: Roger Goodell looks more than a little put out over this plan. We're sure he's worried what Obama will plunder next to "guarantee" the league's continuing anti-trust status. He can be expected to provide a luxury box at the SuperBowl at the very least. Where will it all end?
The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengals fans all over the world as they can now celebrate, especially since Kimo van Oelhofen hurt Carson Palmer's knee in the playoffs in '05.
The final of the three trophies to be redistributed will no doubt be the most difficult. The Preseident plans to send that trophy, the original trophy from SuperBowl IX to Cleveland, the hated rival of the Steelers. "If we redistribute that trophy to Cleveland, that will then mean that all four AFC North teams will now have a trophy. That's a lot more fair. We need to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. Cleveland certainly falls in that category. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper. After all, the Steelers will still have three SuperBowl Trophies when it's all said and done. My soon-to-be ambassador to Ireland will have to handle reallocating these trophies. This will be a good ambassadorial-like learning tool for him," he smiled.
Above: If you want to swim with the sharks, you can't be a bleeder. Dan Rooney learned this lesson the hard way today as he was unexpectedly forced to give up three of the team's Lombardi Trophies in exchange for being named Ambassador to Ireland. We're sure Dan Rooney never saw that development coming!
All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans though. Barack Obama has another plan coming together for baseball... Obama has met with the MLB owners and Commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates to help compensate their losing for 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain hope of attaining their "American Dream", a World Series title. Obama will also be meeting with the NBA and even Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for redistribution of wealth as pertains to sports victories.
So in the final analysis, the City of Pittsburgh will be down three football championships, but up two baseball championships. The Pirates are expected to announce that there will be a parade to celebrate their trophies coming to Pittsburgh. We'll keep you updated as more details emerge.
Fortunately the Penguins two Championships were "untouched" as the team didn't get to keep the Stanley Cup.