Monday, February 16, 2009

GOODELL: NFL TO RELEASE ALL PLAYERS AFTER 2009-2010 SEASON, "P.B.& G." LEARNS IN EXCLUSIVE!!!



"STEELER NAME PERFECT FOR THIS" -- Dan Rooney

Copyright 2009 "Pittsburgh's Black and Gold"

In a story that could be right out of an episode of "The Jetsons" and that was first unearthed by the investigative team here at “Pittsburgh’s Black and Gold”, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a stunning admission, confirmed today to our reporters that the NFL is indeed going to release all current players from their contracts following the upcoming 2009-10 season and begin using robots only in all future games beginning in the 2011 season.


Goodell, annoyed and obviously very agitated at having his plan uncovered prematurely by “PB&G” decided to come clean, “In the interest of clearing up any confusion or misconception that may have been caused by this premature release of information by the "Pittsburgh's Black and Gold” blog site."

Above Top: Goodell is ticked at "P.B.& G." at news conference. Above: A glimpse at the future Roethlisberger model for the Steelers. These shoulders should be much more durable than Big Ben's were this past season.

Stunningly, Goodell went on to confirm that all players will be released and none will be re-signed after next season. Therein came the link to the story that “Pittsburgh’s Black and Gold” had been investigating for quite some time, that amazingly, robots would be used instead of humans playing in future NFL games!

“Face it,” Goodell went on to say, “The days of men playing this game are just about over anyway. First we have to contend with skyrocketing salaries, then there are the constant injuries. If that’s not enough, we have to put up with these big mouths like T.O. or Chad Ocho whatever. With robots we won’t have that. Besides, the fans want a more violent game and we’ll be able to give them that too. Remember the head slap? The forearm shiver? They‘ll be back! Also, clipping and chop blocks will now be legal as well since we don‘t have to worry about injuries. There will be no roughing the kicker, no fair catches, no protecting the quarterback, no defenseless receivers, none of that stuff that was only designed to take injuries out of the game. In fact, we want the stuff that caused injuries in the past. We will intentionally program helmet-to- helmet contact!

“Today all of the rules are about protecting the player. We’ll be able to scrap all of those rules and really let these robots kill each other! Imagine it!!! Plus, the cost of repairing the robots will be a heckuva lot less than having a guy sittiing on the bench all year long doing nothing. Robots will be able to play every game all year! We won‘t have to worry about concussions, shoulder separations or spinal cord injuries either.”


Above: Steelers prototype along with the smaller, more damageable Patriots robots. This matchup could be a "smash face kind of game as Ryan Clark likes to say (only he won't be playing).

"After our initial startup expenses, we expect to have our investment amortized by the end of the first year. Thereafter, probably less than half a season’s games will be required to cover our robot expenses. This will enable us to actually lower ticket costs for our loyal fans while at the same time increasing the number and velocity of on-field collisions. Teams such as the Steelers, where their fans have craved random acts of violence for years will be thrilled with these developments. They'll forget about human players the first time they see these robots collide.”


Seeing as this is the NFL, isn’t there some additional benefit in this for the owners,” we asked?


“Well the owners concluded that they could save millions of dollars annually in airline transportation, hotel bills, food and training camps just by having two sets of robots available in each NFL city. Let’s say the Steelers are scheduled to play the Browns in Pittsburgh. The Browns will have their robotics personnel fly to Pittsburgh and make the uniform and programming adjustments to the set of visiting robots housed in Pittsburgh. After the game, any damaged robots will be shipped to the Carnegie Mellon Robotics Institute. They’ll handle all of the repairs under an exclusive arrangement with our league. We'll also save on medical claims, insurance and we won't have to fund the players association oldtimers anymore."


Above: More than likely this Ravens linebacker will be giving the Steelers loads of problems.
Below: More traditional-looking offensive linemen robots are already in full scale production at CMU. The NFL's marketing gurus figure that they'll be a mega hit with the kids.


But there was one final question that the Commissioner didn't seem to have an answer for…how would the league handle not having its' popular draft any longer?

"We’ve tried to figure out what we could do with that, and I just don't know yet." said Goodell, "But it just might have to be that we’ll save the hundreds of millions of dollars that the draft costs our league every year and just bank it. Believe me, when our fans see, hear,.... smell,..... even feel the velocity of these impacts, they’ll forget all about that we once had fragile humans playing this game and that they were drafted and had to wear helmets. So what? I mean who really cares about that anymore?"

"We'll also be coming out with a new line of what we're calling "NFLbot rally towels". The fans are really going to love them for just $19.95."

Dan Rooney, when questioned about the move said, "We're delighted that our name meshes so nicely with the new direction of the league. The New NFLbot Steelers will be a formidable force, especially with CMU being in our backyard. I'm sure that by the time we start with robots that we'll be going for our 'Snowman" rings'," he laughed. "Our robots will be made entirely of steel, so they won't be called the Steelers for nothing!"

Of course the obvious joke here was that the teams would also save on no longer having to pay out SuperBowl bonuses or the winning team having to purchase SuperBowl rings...another big savings for the always cost-conscious owners.

Below: Steelers Chairman Dan Rooney with President Barack Obama.

"We'll create an industry in Pittsburgh building robots for the NFL," said Rooney, "And hand pick the best ones and make them Steelers! The President is a big Steeler fan and he loves the idea as part of his jobs stimulus package."