Wednesday, January 28, 2009



glom  /glÉ’m/ Pronunciation verb, glommed, glom⋅ming, noun Slang.
–verb (used with object) steal. catch or grab. look at.–noun
4.a look or glimpse.—Verb phrase
5.glom onto, to take hold or possession of: Example: The mayor wanted to glom onto some of the goodies.


Ravenstahl Taps Campaign

Funds For Super Bowl Trip

By The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said today he will take a jet chartered by the Steelers to attend Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa, Fla. Ravenstahl, 28, plans to leave Friday and return Monday. He said campaign funds — not taxpayer dollars — will be used to cover the cost of the plane ride, three days' lodging and a $1,000 ticket to the big game.

The mayor's brothers, Brad and Adam, will accompany him to the game, as will the mayor's two police security guards, who will travel separately. All costs will be covered by campaign funds, Ravenstahl said.

"It's a great opportunity and a minimal expense for the amount of exposure that Pittsburgh will get," said Ravenstahl, who said he has been asked to appear on CBS and NBC's Today show while he's in Tampa. The mayor said Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato and his wife, Shelly, also will be on the chartered flight.

Get me an extra-large sized airline barf bag!

As anyone who hasn't been in a coma for the last few years already knows, Pittsburgh has been blessed with one of the glommingest (new word) mayors in the history of the United States. Young Luke Ravenstahl's escapades last year with Tiger Woods and the Penguins Stanley Cup run are already legendary in these parts. Now, the man who perceives himself as "America's Guest" is at it again, courtesy of his unwitting campaign contributors! Can you imagine someone who's been asked to contribute to underwriting the cost of a political campaign finding out that "his guy" is buying SuperBowl tickets with leftover campaign coffer "slush funds"? They'd have to be thrilled with this prudent use of their money. I know I would be.

Also glomming onto this SuperBowl junket on a chartered jet, courtesy of the Steelers no less, will be Allegheny County's Chief Executive Dan Onorato and his wife and even Luke's two brothers! Joining up with the revelers in Tampa will be two Ravenstahl bodyguards (of course). In total, there will be seven tickets required plus a minimum of four rooms at SuperBowl prices. With the tickets alone costing $7,000, it's easy to see where this jaunt will cost Ravenstahl's contributors at least $10,000. The Steeler charter obviously will cost several thousand additionally, but hey, Luke gets on the "Today" show, so everything is cost justified, or so we're led to believe.

Here's a question that's on everyone's mind: Why can't Luke Ravenstahl pay for anything? Is he destitute? Is it justifiable to his very own contributors that he would spend campaign money on his own entertainment and feel that that's "hunky dory" with everyone? Open up your own wallet for once! Do you want to root for the Steelers? Great! Pay for it the same way that your struggling constituents have to in a near-depression economy!

What's with this guy's penchant for bodyguards too? There's going to be more security in Tampa than you can shake a stick at. It's being called "the safest place in the world". Is he really in that much imminent danger? What kind of places is he planning on going to that he needs two bodyguards? What about his brothers, wouldn't they defend him? What about Dan Onorato or even his wife, wouldn't they put up their dukes to protect Luke from those hooligan Steeler fans?

Glomming, as you may not already know, is an acquired skill. Below, the following photo essay will show Pittsburgh's Mayor in action. After viewing, I'm sure you'll see why, in this editor's estimation, that Luke Ravenstahl looks like soon-to-be-Governor material in the waiting. Sorry Dan Onorato. Glomming ability like this is headed for bigger and better things than being Mayor of Pittsburgh. You'll have to junk your thoughts of running for King Glommer of Pennsylvania and make way for soon-to-be "King Luke"!

Right: Ravenstahl strikes an "Obama-appearing" pose now that Hillary has gone down the drain. Notice the shiny shoes and crisp, snappy clothes...a sure sign of a first rate glommer. Notice too that he is already developing a King Glommerish (new word) appearance.

Above: Ouch! McKeesport's "Tube City Almanac" tells it like they see it. They don't pull any punches in the venerable "Tube City".

Above: Mayor glomming up some extra grace from Pittsburgh's Bishop David Zubik. Even God himself can be a victim of glommers who have no conscience.

Above: A thoughtful Ravenstahl seeks advice on glomming from Pennsylvania's King Glommer, Governor Ed Rendell. Rendell's predictable response: "F---- 'em all, that's what I always say. Give 'em their new arena, they'll shut up eventually. Mark my words."

Above: Luke gives an "Animal House" fraternity call during an obvious false statement by Dan Onorato. Onorato looks perplexed that Luke would "call him out"so blatantly. Glommers, according to the national glomming code, should never do this to another fellow glommer. You can be sure that Luke heard about this obvious gaffe when they went into the nearest "cloakroom".

Above: An obviously-annoyed Tiger Woods and his wife prepare to beat a path out of Pittsburgh after Luke gloms Tiger to death at Oakmont. Tiger was traumatized for weeks and probably will never come back to Oakmont after this embarassing incident.

Above: Boy Mayor glomming a free haircut. Hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks, right? To a glommer, even a free haircut is like finding a gold ingot.

Above: Too bad that the Pittsburgh Xplosion basketball team is now defunct. In this shot, Luke gets free Xplosion tickets AND a free shirt to boot! For glommers, this is the very essence of life itself.

Above: I see a complimentary filet mignon dinner at the LeMont in your future young man! Maybe even a glass of cognac and a cigar. Some call this, "Living off the fat of the land," glommers call it, "Business as usual."

Above: Ravenstahl extended major glom time on this old girl's behalf but it turns out that he picked the wrong horse. Imagine what he would've gotten if this cougar had won! Can you spell U.N. Ambassador? Look at Dan Rooney, he picked the right guy now he's going to become the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland! Glomming is a skill that must be honed over years of practice. He'll learn, I'm confident.

Above: Luke, Dan Onorato and Democratic Chair Jim Burn listen in obvious rapture and profound admiration to the greatest glommer of all time, Bill Clinton, during a recent Hillary vote/glom stop.

Above: EPILOGUE: Deeply immersed in thought, the pressures of running a big city obviously weighing heavily on him, Ravenstahl contemplates his next glomcapade (new word) in a classic black and old-gold striped chair in the mayoral suite. Obviously, it's lonely at the top. "People just don't understand me," I can imagine him thinking to himself... "Especially that effing blogger at "Pittsburgh's Black and Gold".