Monday, May 11, 2009

GOTHAM CITY N'ER-DO-WELL THROWS SUPPORT TO PITTSBURGH RELATIVES

ABOVE: The "Penguin" with his omnipresent umbrella, monocle, cigarette holder and top hat. He certainly has a lot of trademarks.

As if they needed his help, the Pittsburgh Penguins learned yesterday that "The Penguin," famous arch villain in the "Batman" series has indeed pledged his support towards the Pittsburgh flightless birds, although they really don't need it. The message was delivered by courier yesterday to Mellon Arena wrapped in a "Beware the Penguins" magazine advertisement.

The Penguins defeated the Washington Capitals 4-3 in a thrilling overtime win in D.C. to put them up 3-2 in the series. It was their third straight win after losing the first two of the series. Evgeni Malkin's diving pass to Sidney Crosby was deflected by Washington's Tom Poti into his own net (not a good play) past rookie goaltender Simeon Valarmov.

The Pens can now clinch the series with a win at what should be a frenzied Mellon Arena tonight, but the team admits that it's on edge regarding the pledge of "help" from the Penguin. He quite often resorts to having colorful gases emitted from his umbrella to render opponents unconscious, or even dead, a tendency that has not gone unnoticed by Pittsburgh team officials.

ABOVE: "The Penguin" brings his own unique style into a series that has lacked much of the thuggery that typified the Pens-Flyers series.

"While we appreciate the Penguin's pledge of support, we hope he can do so by cheering for the team and not resorting to mass chaos," said a concerned Mario Lemieux.

However, the team's savvy marketing department, will take advantage of The Penguin's pledge of support by offering fans of either a monocle, top hat or cigarette holder upon admission to tonight's game which had already been declared a "white out" by the team.

"We're the most fan-friendly team in sports," said team spokesman, Tom McMillian. Only the Pirates give out more junk to the fans than we do. This multiple give-away game will set a new standard in Pittsburgh over what even the Pirates (the acknowledged leader in promos) do. We're just hopeful that there won't be any nerve gas high jinks tonight so we're also going to give the fans an option for a gas mask if they feel so inclined." Gas mask supplies will be limited, however, since the team is figuring that the top hats and cigarette holders will be the top two items requested, followed by the difficult-to-use monocle. "Pittsburgh fans won't be worrying about nerve gas at Mellon Arena. If anything they'll be worried about getting through the restroom lines before the start of a period, or getting their picture taken with the Malkins," McMillan laughed. "If we can make it to the finals without any problems from The Penguin, we may even do a Penguin umbrella night or some other special thing."


ABOVE: "Pittsburgh's Black and Gold" investigators have discovered that this bobble head is already now in mass production...perhaps methinks the "special thing" alluded to by Tom McMillan for the Stanley Cup finals? Stay tuned Penguin fans, same Bat time (7:00), same Bat channel (FSN Pittsburgh)!!!

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