Sunday, December 20, 2009



ABOVE: Two guys who can drag a foot with the best of 'em, Mike Wallace (left) and Santonio Holmes

In a crazy season where the Steelers have lost to some of the worst defenses in the league, they chose the Green Bay Packers, with one of the league's best defenses, to light up the Pack for 503 yards passing and a thrilling 37-36 win as time expired.

Big Ben hit Mike Wallace along the sideline with his second touchdown catch in a near mirror-reverse example of the Santonio Holmes SuperBowl touchdown catch as the clock wound down to zero.

With the score tied at 36, all that remained was a pressure-packed Jeff Reed extra point for the victory. When the kick cleared the uprights it was soon announced that it was the first 37-36 finish in the entire history of the NFL.

While Big Ben and the offense were clicking on all cylinders, the defense was back to its' old fourth quarter tricks, allowing 22 points in the final stanza. That the Steelers nearly lost a game where their offense was shattering 75-year-old records speaks volumes for how far the defense has slipped as a unit. If and when Troy polamalu comes back, it can't be too soon.

In fact, Tomlin even went for an on-sides kick after kicking a field goal that gave them a two point lead! If that didn't speak volumes that the coach himself had no confidence in the Steelers "swiss cheese" secondary, nothing would. 

The on-sides kick was actually a good strategy. What wasn't a good strategy was having "no-hands" Ike Taylor at the line to get the surprise kick. Taylor, never reputed to be a "brain specialist" on his days off, did not allow the kick to travel the necessary ten yards, thus resulting in a deadly "illegal touching" penalty. As might be expected, the Packers went down and prompty scored the go-ahead touchdown adding a two point conversion for good measure for a 36-30 lead. But it was now Big Ben time.

Roethlisberger, who is already well on his way to becoming the greatest come-from-behind qb in team history was vintage Big Ben in the final drive. Utilizing all of his receivers, he found rookie Mike Wallace for another scintillating touchdown. A virtual carbon copy of the Santonio SuperBowl gem, Wallace's catch wasn't as big, but it saved the Steelers' season, so it was plenty big enough. With the hated Ravens coming to town next week, the Steelers are still mathematically alive for a playoff spot. The Steelers end their regular season the week after in Miami. With a potential 9-7 season they can still make it, but without Troy Polamalu in the lineup, don't get your hopes too high. Everyone in the Steeler locker room I'm sure would tell you that although it was a thrilling win, this was not the way to win games in the NFL.

But at least the team hasn't quit, which before today, everyone was beginning to wonder.

GAME NOTES: Big Ben's 503 yards eclipsed Drew Brees' record that was set back in 2006...Roethlisberger was 29-46 and had three TD passes...Aaron Rodgers was also very effective, completing 26 of 48 for 383 yards and three touchdowns...Despite 94 passes being thrown, there were no interceptions although on the final drive the Packers had one nullified because of a defensive holding call.


The Pittsburgh Steelers go up against the Green Bay Cheeseheads today in a matchup at Heinz Field that earlier in the season no doubt had the network executives drooling. Thus the reason for the 4:00 start. The unexplainable swoon that has enveloped yer Steelers over the past five miserable games has derailed what could have been a memorable matchup into the first inconsequential contest for the Steelers since their memorable Bill Cowher sendoff season.

All around Steelerland, the same question echoes in a resounding din: "What's wrong with the Steelers?"

What makes this five game swoon most perplexing is that the Steelers looked to have as strong and talented of a lineup as they've had in any of their recent championship seasons. So what went wrong?

It seems that in that famous "book" that all NFL teams keep on their competition, the storyline on the Steelers chapter is that since the injury to Troy Polamalu, their defensive ace, the Steeler secondary, as a whole, has been exposed as being very weak. Teams that in the past may have attempted to establish a running game now waste even less of their offensive plays on runs. Instead, they tend to throw more and more each week against a seconday that seems to regress even further each game.

As proof of the weakness of their secondary, it is mind-boggling that their cornerbacks have not intercepted a pass all year. Of course it's pretty tough to do that when you're five yards behind the receiver you're supposed to  cover, so speed has definitely been an issue with this group. Add to that the fact that they have no hands either and you have a grounds to believe that this secondary, minus Troy Polamalu, is one of the weaker groups in the league.

Add to this an offense that has become very predictable and very un-Steeler-like and you have the recipe for a five game losing streak. During that skein, the team has also allowed long kick returns and in general has not shown the trademark energy and hitting that has long been its' calling card.

So incredible has been this total shutdown by the Steelers that it leads one to believe that this team has serious internal dissension...and I'm not even referring to the Hines Ward-Big Ben tiff. No, as amazing at it seems to say this, it appears that this team may be revolting against Mike Tomlin himself.

Is it possible that just like another Mike, Michael Therrien, the Steelers players have grown weary of Tomlin's macho image and hard-guy attitude?

If the Steelers mail in another game like the last five, I would take that to be a resounding "YES". With a dart-thrower like Aaron Rodgers coming to town, don't expect many running plays from the Packers today. Brace yourself for a lot of booing from Steeler nation too. I could get ugly.

Thursday, December 17, 2009



ABOVE: Tiger Woods with the girl who forced him to cheat on her.
This week, our nation's comedy writers had plenty of material to work with, what with the career meltdown of Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. But in actuality, it was Jay Leno's staff who may have summed up the Tiger Woods debacle the best.

Here below is our own animal kingdom pictorial representation of the joke first told by Jay Leno.


was a LION


Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Yours truly is back on the road this week making a living, so the writing has to take a temporary back seat. However, life goes on and you need fresh material, right? Leave it to Gary Gayda to always come through when things are at their roughest! Gary has a real treat for all of you this week, in "Pittsburgh: Thru The Lens Of Gary Gayda. It's an amazing example of the type of special effects that until a few years ago, just weren't possible.

As usual, you can purchase a copy of this print simply by emailing Gary Gayda directly at Just tell Gary the title and number of the photo as well as the size you'd like. Gary will get back to you a.s.a.p..

#67 Mon Incline Photo Technique

ABOVE: There's actually a Pittsburgh artist, Nevin Robinson, who produces artwork that looks just like this. Gary Gayda has perfected the computer-aided version. 

Friday, December 11, 2009



Seeing as the city is in somewhat of a funk following the Steelers' latest implosion against another inept team, our board of directors got together and decided that the last thing that you needed was another rehash of a horrible, horrible football game. So the board decided to run our normal Friday feature anyway despite the Steelers humiliating their followers on the NFL network. So for at least a few minutes, we suggest that you "forget the Steelers" and have a couple good laughs along with us.

Midwestern Humor

ABOVE: Someone has too much time on their hands.

Sun Protection

ABOVE: Is this what Big Ben does?

Sharewhere Bathroom

ABOVE: Leave it to the Asians to come up with something as good as this!

"Husband of the Year"

ABOVE: He can't be overworking her too much because she's still a little "chunky".

Evolution Run Amok

ABOVE: An accurate description of our continuing evolution as a species.

Pulling Double Duty

ABOVE: Imagine this, he beats your butt, then he represents you against him!

and finally...with this new invention we now have
the ability to stop time!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009


ABOVE: It's now official. The Steelers, having completed a rare trifecta of losses to three of the worst teams in the league, are now officially on the outside looking in. In a mind-bogglingly bad performance, the Steelers lost to the previously 1-11 Browns by a 13-6 score. Big Ben was sacked eight times in this game and the offense looked lost most of the time. This game also featured some of the least-imaginative play-calling ever. After a 6-2 start, the Steelers five consecutive losses now designate this season as being one of the worst collapses by a Steelers team ever.


I was trying to figure out the one place where I'd least like to be tonight. I have my five worst picks below ranked in order of their lack of desirability... 

 #5 Solitary Confinement

ABOVE: Solitary confinment is no picnic, that's for sure, but it's only ranked #5 on this list!

#4 Digging A Hole

ABOVE: Solitary is bad, but at least you get to goof off. Digging a hole is not just boring, it's hard work too!

#3 Crab Fishing In The Bering Sea

ABOVE: For as much as I love King Crab legs, I wouldn't be caught dead on one of these boats.

#2 Crossing A Crocodile-Infested Swamp

ABOVE: What could be worse than walking through a swamp where your next step could result in your becoming a meal? Only one thing...


ABOVE: Picture this: This same group of crackpot morons harassing you in a stadium that's snow-filled, zero degrees with a 50 mile per hour wind. Meanwhile, on the frozen field, your own team, playing lousy football right now, is going up against one of the worst teams that even Cleveland has ever had. Now that's worth freezing over! This is one night where watching it on TV will be better than being there, that's for sure!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


The Steelers played a great game on Monday night, November 9th, and who would have believed at the time that it would be the high point of their season? The Steelers were 6-2, had just beaten a supposed "up and coming" Broncos team on the road and in very physical fashion. The offense, in the second half, looked nearly unstoppable.

Everyone was licking their chops in anticipation of a rematch against the  Bengals who had beaten the Black & Gold in Cinci on September 27th. A crowd of 65,000 gathered at Heinx Field, anxious to see the Steelers issue a patented "beat down" on Cincinnati. Inexplicably, the Steelers did not show up for that game and have subsequently lost to a horrible Chiefs team, a substandard Ravens club and last week, to the lowly Raiders, leaving them with a very pedestrian 6-6 record with just four games to play. Tomorrow night they go up against one of the worst Browns teams ever and if they lose that game, there will no doubt be mass suicides taking place on  the city.

ABOVE: Famous motivational poster, available for ordering.

During this stretch of games, the offense has had sporadic good spells while the defense has lapsed into a near comatose state in the fourth quarter of each contest. This team, that as recently as last year was being hailed as being one of their greatest defensive teams ever, has fallen so far, so fast, that it borders on the unimaginable. Have the Steelers lost their desire?

ABOVE: The "Bunny of Disappointment", watch out, he's everywhere.

Much as I hate to admit it dear readers, it certainly appears that way. A few years ago, after winning SuperBowl XL, the Steelers went on to post a disappointing 8-8 season in Bill Cowher's final year. Taking a cue from a man who everyone knew was a lame duck coach, the Steelers sleep-walked through that disastrous season. But this year? Mike Tomlin certainly doesn't strike me as a lame-duck coach after winning his first championship last season, so what's the problem with the Steelers?

Most of this team's problems, both past and present, can be directed entirely towards two areas: The defensive secondary and the kickoff team.

ABOVE: Yes, Steelers defensive backs have moved like zombies.

The Steelers have been highly praised for good personnel moves over the years, but they have confused me so far this season. First of all, there has been much talk about the poor coverage on kicks and players have come and gone on those units. But are those players really to blame? How about Jeff Reed? This guy can't seem to even approach getting a ball into the endzone. In fact, many of his kicks come down between the five and ten yard lines. If the Steelers had someone who could kick a ball consistently in the end zone, wouldn't this be worth a roster spot? After all, a ball downed in the end zone is tantamount to a tackle on the 20. So what's wrong with that? It's surprising that no one on the Steelers has recognized this problem.

Secondly, the Steelers defensive backs are playing some of the worst footbal I've ever seen. Most of the time these guys aren't even in the picture when a receiver catches a pass...that's how far out of the plays they can be. It gets much worse as the game goes on, leading me to believe that there may be conditioning issues among this group.

A few weeks ago I was watching some NFL highlights and the announcers were raving about a new free agent for the Saints, former Packer Mike McKenzie, who in his first game back intercepted a pass and broke up three other plays. Were the Steelers asleep at the wheel on McKenzie? The Steelers cornerbacks haven't intercepted a pass in...well i can't even remember the last time. When they do get a chance, they look like people trying to catch a ball who literally have no hands. Imagine trying to catch a football if you had no actual hands. You'd look lilke Ike Taylor or even worse, rookie Joe Burnett who had one of the easiest interceptions in the history of the NFL fall through his hands (or wrists as you will) last week. That interception would have easily sealed a shaky victory for the Steelers. Instead, here were are, weeping and gnashing our teeth.

So what is to become of the Steelers this year? Can they make the playoffs?

Mathematically, the answer is still yes, but it will require one of those magical finishes to the season and a lot of other teams to lose key games. Do I think they will make it? Unfortunately, no. In fact, my answer now is that I hope that they don't. This team has lost far too many games to far inferior competition to warrant them playing on in the post season. It seems to me that instead it has become time to retool several areas.

The Steelers of 2010 will have a far different appearance from this year's team and obviously there are several holes that need to be filled before they can regain their form. Drafting in the middle of the first round, instead of at the end of it should assure them of getting a top flight defensive back or two this off season. Many veterans will see their contracts not renewed as the team will go into a rebuilding mode. In the meantime, the rest of the players can look back and congratulate themselves on a very disappointing effort in 2009. This team should have accomplished much more than it has this season. These players have only themselves to blame. Disappointment, Thy name is Steelers.  

ABOVE: There are temporary setbacks and then the kind that...well you never seem to get over them. Hopefully, in the offseason the Steelers will right their ship once again.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Our "Director of Pittsburgh Photography", Gary Gayda, was out and about on the South Side, gathering images of that ever-growing source of entertainment spots and other, less-important retail establishments.

All kidding aside, the development that has taken place on the South Side has truly been terrific, along with other major uplifts in areas such as Homestead and of course, the North Shore. Pittsburgh is far from being a perfect town. We still have many areas that are completely depressed because of the collapse of the steel industry. But if nothing else, successful developments such as Homestead's "Riverfront" show that these areas can become jewels in their own right. All it takes is a good plan and lots and lots and lots of cash.

As is always the case, Gary Gayda's pictures are available for sale directly from our photographer. Contact Gary at and tell him the picture name and number and what size you are interested in. Gary will get back to you posthaste.

So without further delay here are today's images of the city on our Tuesday feature PITTSBURGH: THRU THE LENS OF GARY GAYDA....

#65 Southside Christmas

ABOVE: Neon lights back up a beautifully decorated tree at the South Side Works.

#66 South Side Postcard

ABOVE: Some of the shops in the South Side Works area.



Monday, December 7, 2009


A scant few weeks ago people were pointing to this part of the Steelers schedule and anticipating  easy victories over three of the NFL's worst teams. Instead, so far have the Steelers fallen that they are now only a loss in Cleveland on Thursday night from completing a rare trifecta...0-3 against three of the league's worst teams.

ABOVE LEFT: Seton LaSalle worldbeater, qb Bruce Gradkowski.

This game started out well enough with a long kickoff return by Stefan Logan, but the Steelers could not cash it into anything more than a field goal. Later in the half, Roethlisberger would also throw an interception in the end zone, killing another red zone attempt.

The Raiders, for their part, weren't doing anything great themselves, just "hanging around" since the Steelers were allowing it. With only a 10-6 lead at halftime, this game had a sense of foreboding throughout...and justifiably so, as it would turn out. 

The third quarter was wholly uneventful. However when Pittsburgh boy, Bruce Gradkowski threw a TD pass giving Oakland an early fourth quarter lead, 13-10, you could see the Steelers offense react as though it had been hit with a cattle prod. After another nice kick return by Stefan Logan, Big Ben led the offense down the field, highlighted by a long catch and run by Santonio Holmes. Rashard Mendenhall then punched-in the ball in a determined run giving Pittsburgh the lead once again, 17-13.  But soon thereafter, the offensively-challenged Raiders suddenly had found themselves again. The Steelers secondary, resembling a sieve more than a defense, allowed another Gradkowski-led score "lowlighted" by a 75 yard pass and run to Louis Murphy, giving the Raiders the lead once again, 20-17.

Not to be deterred, Big Ben marshalled yet another drive downfield, highlighted by another long pass play to Holmes complete with a Hines Ward-style, earhole wipeout block by wide receiver Mike Wallace. Wallace actually took out two defenders at one time, thus allowing Santonio to tack on another 20 yards. Hines Ward then beat a defender at the line of scrimmage and caught a beautiful pass in stride in the end zone giving the Steelers a spirited 24-20 lead.

Unfortunately for the Steelers though, they had to once again rely on their suddenly-anemic defense to save the game and as has happened so many times this year, they simply could not do it.

William Gay was knocked unconscious by Ryan Mundy when Mundy inadvertently crashed into the unsuspecting Gay's face. Gay's head bounced violently across his shoulders and there were a few moments where there was even a concern that Gay might have suffered a serious neck injury.

The Steelers defense, kneeling, holding hands in a circle, said a brief prayer for their teammate who moments later sat up, then got to his feet. For those who have been calling for Gay to be benched, his replacement, rookie Joe Burnett showed why he hasn't been playing. In one of the worst drops in league history, he  let the world's easiest interception ever drop pathetically to the ground, thus giving Oakland another chance. 

With only 15 seconds now left to play, Gradkowski, looking like his next stop will be Canton, hit Murphy again with an 11 yard pass this time and the winning score. This completed yet another horrible collapse by the Steelers once-proud defense. This unit is playing without Aaron Smith, Troy Polamalu and last year's starting cornerback Bryant McFadden. However, these fourth quarter collapses have been so pervasive this season that it has  led to questions about conditioning, particularly among the defensive backs. After allowing the Raiders a total of six points during the first three quarters, this latest roof cavein accounted for 21 points in the fourth.

While you can't take anything away from gutsy Pittsburgher Bruce Gradkowski, the Steelers secondary has suddenly turned into the league's "perfect tonic for whatever ails your offense." The defense's slide, while shocking, should be surprising to no one. In a league where there is no such thing as a secret, everyone knows that the Steelers are very vulnerable in the secondary. All you need to do is hang close until the fourth quarter when they can't seem to cover anyone anymore.

The loss caps off a completely horrible sports week for Pittsburgh. Just consider these headlines:





What could have been another glorious week in Pittsburgh will long be remembered as one of the most disastrous ever.

Sunday, December 6, 2009




ABOVE: Pitt's Deion Lewis scores one of his three touchdowns during his record-setting performance. Lewis carried the ball an unheard-of 47 times.

Brother, what a tough week to be a Pitt football fan. First, on Wednesday came word that former player, assistant, head coach, NFL coordinator and finally, Pitt broadcaster, Serafino "Foge" Fazio had died after a long battle with leukemia. Fazio, who recruited Dave Wannstedt and Dan Marino among many others was one of those magnetic personalities that everyone loved. He was considered one of the university's finest ambassadors. On a purely personal note, I got to meet Foge several times while playing in his charity golf tournament that he co-chaired with Myron Cope at Montour Country Club. Everything you've ever heard about his personality was certainly true, it was magnetic. When combined with the mercurial Myron Cope, well, it was just magical.

Fortunately for him, and probably because he had lived such a good life,  God decided to spare Foge Fazio from enduring the heartbreaking, gut-wrenching 45-44 loss yesterday that Pitt (9-3, 5-2) suffered at the hands of the Cincinnati Bearcats. The University has suffered bigger losses (such as last year's NCAA basketball defeat in the Elite 8) but certainly few in its' long and glorious past that were as disappointing as this one.

Pitt's game plan was working to perfection in the first half. They dominated the time of possession with Deion Lewis carrying the ball on play after play. At one point, with just 1:26 left until halftime, Pitt was up by an amzing score of 31-10. The Panthers had just blocked a punt and scored. They had all the momentum in the world and there was consternation on the Cincinnati sideline. All was well, or so one would mistakenly think...

On the ensuing kickoff, the Bearcat's Mardy Gilyard, along with Pitt's Lewis another amazing talent on display in this game, took the ball 99 yards for an immediate resuscitation for a fast-fading Cincinnati team. There's no doubt now that the South Side practice facility has to be to blame as both Pitt and the Steelers may have the two worst special teams in the country.


"Mardy Gilliard was absolutely brilliant. The kickoff return was the spark that got us back in the game -- Cincinnati Coach Brian Kelly


In this amazing game, Gilyard would have 5 catches for 118 yards (23.6 per catch) plus 256 yards of 7 kickoff returns (36.5 per return). Every time Gilyard touched the ball, it turned into a back-breaker for the Panthers.

ABOVE: Foge Fazio, he of the ever-present smile, during Pitt Stadium days. Fazio was an "All-East" center, team MVP in 1959. He coached linebackers 69-72, 77-79, was defensive coordinator 79-81 and Head Coach 82-85 succeeding Jackie Sherrill. He was part of seven bowl teams including five in the top 10.  

Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Pitt's Lewis was only having one of the greatest games in the history of Pitt football. With none less that Tony Dorsett on the sidelines to cheer him on, Lewis carried the ball an almost unholy 47 times, racking up 194 yards (4.12 per carry) and three touchdowns and smashing Ironhead Heyward's 1987 record of 42 carries. Lewis, with 1640 yards, now needs just 46 more to break Dorsett's all-time freshman rushing record .

But in games such as this one where the memories of unreal performances will last for decades and decades, it came down to some possible questionable clock management at the end that did in the Panthers. With the score tied and under two minutes, the Panthers took what the Bearcats defense gave them, scoring on a first down run by Lewis, putting them up 44-38. However, the extra point snap was mishandled by now-distraught holder, Andrew Junocko, and the Bearcats with their dangerous offense now had the ball with two timeouts and a minute and a half to play. Everone who was wearing blue and gold at Heinz Field had this sinking feeling in the "Pitt" of their stomach. 

Cincinnati (12-0, 7-0) would not disappoint, their high-powered offense now in high gear. In just a minute's time, Tony Pike would hit Armon Binns in the end zone with 33 seconds left. The all-important extra point sailed through without incident giving them a lead that they would not relinquish.

Had Pitt burned time off the clock, forcing Cincinnati to use their timeouts, the outcome of this game could have potentially been different. The Panthers would have settled for a field goal, being up 41-38, but most importantly, there would have have been under a minute and no timeouts left for the Bearcats.

Could Cincinnati have gone on to kick a field goal? Certainly, and they could have missed it too. However, time was Cincinnati's biggest enemy, not the touchdown that Pitt scored. The decision to not take time off the clock will be one that will haunt the Pitt program for many years. For the players, who were justifiably crushed afterwards, it will take a long time to recover from this one. However, for the nation's football fans, they got to see one of the most entertaining games ever played and certainly one that will be discussed and vividly remembered for years and years to come. Too bad that those memories, for Pitt fans, will always be so bitter.

Foge Fazio was never a bitter man, even after losing football jobs on several different occasions. But this game could have changed that. A loss this bad could turn any loyal fan bitter.

"I don't know anyone who embodied the Pitt spirit better than Foge Fazio     --Athletic Director, Steve Pederson


Friday, December 4, 2009



With it being Friday, all of you veteran readers know what that means...a bigger than normal dose of pictorial humor from the world of sports and wherever else we happen to find it! This week is no exception! I'd like to thank the many readers who sent in things they found, but this week, there truly was an internet phenomenom taking place.

From several of you, leading off this week's "Spanning The Globe For Humor" comes this version of the inimitable Tiger Woods' new Christmas card....

ABOVE: She may be a dud in the sack, but Elin should now be able to own several dry cleaning establishments due to Tiger's dalliances. They do make a handsome half couple now though.

Of course, any Tiger photoshop also calls for us to pull up one of our all-time favorites featuring our glomming mayor...

ABOVE: Tiger and Elin in happier times when Tiger was normally stalked by insane fans and not his insanely-angry wife!

But enough aboout Mr. Woods. Since we recently passed through the Halloween-Thanksgiving corridor, I had some more pictures floating around under the heading, "Why Dogs Bite People". Here are some insane dog Halloween costumes. My favorite is the last one, but they're all great.

ABOVE: Who could blame this dog if he returned this "bite favor" on his funny-guy owner!

ABOVE: This Basset Hound has the perfect look for a dog with a knife through his head. I'm sure he'd like to return the favor to his owner too!

ABOVE: Is it Bob Dylan or Ringo Starr? Or maybe this 1970's activist...

ABOVE: Orchestrator of 1968 Chicago Democratic National Convention riots, peace activist the late Abbie Hoffmann. I think he most closely resembles the dog of the three mentioned.

Our last dog photo should be enough to knock you out of your chair laughing. Who would do this to their dog?

Our last piece of off the wall humor takes us to somewhere in the orient. Since this is called "Spanning The Globe For Humor", I thought it would be most appropriate.

ABOVE: Who's laughing? This sure beats the heck out of carrying these one by one. Unfortunately, the load on the right side seems to be only moments from a certain disaster! Here are four good questions. 1) How long did it take to load this bike? 2) Did he have help (balancing while loading)? 3)How far does he expect (or have to) go loaded this way? And finally 4) Is this bike considered overloaded? All pertinent questions indeed.

Have a great weekend everyone! Go Pitt, bring home the $15 mil and a BCS Bowl Bid!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009


In yesterday's most memorable post, we interviewed the enigmatic "Carlos" of Sydney, Australia who is the designer of the site"Ground Zero". This site depicts the actual degree of destruction done to any city in the world by your choice of major nuclear warheads...even up to an asteroid! If you haven't already done so, I strongly encourage you to read that interview prior to this story.

After doing extensive research on the effects that the various detonations would have on Pittsburgh, I have come up with some new, profound, groundbreaking data that every single Pittsburgh sports fan must read. But brace yourself first or just pour yourself a good stiff drink.

ABOVE: A gigantic asteroid slams into Pittsburgh. Hey don't worry about it, it'll be over in a second. You won't even have time to feel it!

First of all, forget's history. Even the smallest nuclear warhead on the list, the famous "Little Boy" that was dropped on Hiroshima in 1945, is enough to completely wipe out downtown. However, the initial blast area will also take out PNC Park, (a great place to sit and watch fireworks) and even the new Consol Energy Arena that we've never even used yet!!! Fortunately, "Ground Zero" would fall just short of leveling Heinz Field, but the radioactivity would no doubt keep Big Ben out of action that week. At the very least, the coaches' headsets would have a ton of interference.

When you move up the chart to a 1960's Russian Tsar warhead, well you can now forget Heinz Field too. However, where it really gets interesting is what would happen on December 21, 2012 (the end of the Mayan Calendar) if Pittsburgh took a direct hit from an asteroid like the infamous Chicxulub Impact that wiped out the dinosaurs 82 million years ago.

ABOVE: Commissioner Roger Geddell will go down in history as "The Man Who Saved The Steelers."

Sorry to say, Pittsburgh fans, but all of you are history. In fact, the entire AFC North can "kiss it goodbye" as Bob Prince liked to say. However, Roger Geddell, he of incredible good judgment and recognizing the massive popularity of the Steelers, will have had the foresight to preserve the team, collectively, underground at the NORAD headquarters. So even though all of us will be dead in Pittsburgh, the Steeler Nation as a whole fortunately will still have a franchise to cheer for.

ABOVE: Cheyenne Mountain...future home of yer Pittsburgh Steelers.

ABOVE: Pittsburgh immediately after a direct asteroid hit. It won't be pretty here or anywhere in the eastern half of the country. The rest of the world, the "lucky ones," will get to deal with nuclear winter, radioactive fallout, no sunlight, food shortages, plagues...but at least the NFL will survive it!

So Los Angeles will finally get its' NFL franchise, the Steelers, but it will take the demise of Pittsburgh to do it. Since the name, "Los Angeles Steelers," doesn't work, maybe they'll rechristen them the Los Angeles "Car Stealers" and have a logo of a black Roadrunner with gold trim that's burning rubber? Now that might work! 

ABOVE and BELOW: The two finalists for the new helmet logo for the "Los Angeles Car Stealers." In memory of the real Steelers, the league will have a small original Steeler logo placed on the fender of the winning car. The team helmets will also have the car logo only on one side as further tribute to the original Black & Gold.

ABOVE: I don't know about you, but I'm kinda partial to the first picture. However, if the driver in this picture was "giving the finger" instead of a thumbs up, it may have helped his chances at winning! After all, Los Angelinos are very into flaunting the law, so they could better relate to that.

But what about the rest of the NFL you ask?

Roger Geddell will save his own hide and the senior staffers who have offices in New York, but he can't save everyone. A stunning 18 of the 32 teams will be fried in this inferno (56%). So that will leave just 14 teams; Thirteen that survived "outside" plus the Steelers who were safely tucked away under Cheyenne Mountain. But how would Ben and Hines do being cooped up together? Now that could be problematic.

ABOVE: If cooped up in a bunker with Big Ben for two months, it's pretty much a lock that Hines Ward will be finding something to "whine hard" about.

If we pretended that this event happened today, most importantly for posterity, here are the surviving teams in each conference and their records:

    AFC                                         NFC
San Diego    8-3             New Orleans     11-0
Denver        7-4              Minnesota        10-1
Pgh/ LA        6-5             Dallas              8-3
Jacksonville  6-5             Arizona             7-4
Miami          5-6             San Francisco     5-6
Houston       5-5             Seattle             4-7
Oakland       3-8 *          Tampa Bay        1-10 *

* Eliminated from playoff competition

Fortunately for the NFL and their remaining living fans, all teams (except just one in each conference) will make the playoffs. When you think about it, the survivors of the "Pittsburgh Impact" will still have to do something with their spare time besides finding food, shelter, water and worrying about an oncoming ice age event. Having NFL games and the playoffs to focus on will be just what the doctor ordered!

By the way, in first round action, San Diego and Denver have byes in the AFC while Minnesota and New Orleans will get the week off in the NFC. Pittsburgh/ L.A will host Houston in the first round in the Coliseum while Jacksonville will host Miami. The NFC matchups will have Dallas hosting Seattle and Arizona taking on San Francisco.

Fortunately for the NFL, the SuperBowl, being played February 7, 2010 is being held in Miami, so there's no problem there.

ABOVE: Never one to miss out on a marketing opportunity, the NFL places a subliminal "blast memorial" behind their SuperBowl logo, coincidentally in the colors of another wiped-out city, Cincinnati.

In a final bit of information, skillfully unearthed by the investigative staff here at "P.B. & G.", we  have learned that SuperBowl XLVII (47 for the Latin Roman numeral impared) is already scheduled for Sunday, February 3, 2013 in New Orleans!! All of you should be dancing in the streets right now, because this means that our civilization will indeed survive after December 21, 2012.
Think about it, would the NFL, the most money-mongering organization ever created, schedule an event after the end of the world? Hardly. They'd move the game up to December 20th, 2012 if it was really going to happen!

LEFT: With its' logo already designed, New Orleans will host its' tenth SuperBowl on February 3rd, 2013, further proof that the Mayans are full of crap when it comes to this end of the world stuff. The NFL, after all, would never miss out on a SuperBowl payday!!! Just to be on the safe side, since 12/21/12 falls on a Friday, don't be surprised if Geddell and company decide to hedge their bets and "move the game up" to December16th. In case you're wondering, the end is only 1,113 days away! 

SPECIAL THANKS to "Carlos" of Carlos Labs for his input into this story. Of course we knew all along that he wasn't really "Carlos The Jackal", but rather, Carlos the computer programmer and designer"!