Friday, October 24, 2008

"Somethin' To Do With Plaxico"


No, that “Giant sucking sound” you heard last night wasn’t the Steelers Santonio Holmes sucking on a doobie. In fact, it wasn’t the sound made by a doobie at all. No this may have just been the sound of the Steelers season getting sucked down the toilet yesterday as the doggone Pittsburgh Police, no less, pulled over the Steelers deep threat, Santonio Holmes in his SUV at One Mario Lemieux Place!!!

In a situation laced with irony and dripping with skullduggery, Holmes was pulled over because the police had been tipped off that a large SUV was driving around the Burgh with a significant cache of drugs. We’re not sayin‘, but guess who’s in town to play against “Dem Stillers” this week and guess who has a HUGE SUV? Aha and A HAH!!!
 Above Left: Custom Marijuana Vending Machine (location: topsecret but the driver of this truck might know)
LEFT: New Burgh Restaurant. Marijuana use has become widespread in Pittsburgh.

BELOW: Kentucky cops gloat over their million dollar bust. There's no NFL franchise in Kentucky yet, but if they keep this up, it won't be long!

So do you think the Pittsburgh Cops may have gotten the wrong guy? This not only could be a case of mistaken identity, it could also be a HUGE case of racial profiling going on right in your home town against our Steeler deep threat!
ABOVE: "To Protect and Serve" ....whatever.... We've heard that bullcrap before. BELOW: Helicopter shooter, Ernie "Fats" Holmes.

Look, if there’s one thing we know, it’s that the Pittsburgh Cops are BIG Steeler fans. Do you realize how much overtime pay the Steelers generate for them each year? So you know they’re not going to “kill the goose that laid the golden egg”, right? Plus they're always scoring free tickets and sideline passes. So if the Steelers go into a tailspin and the crowds fall off, well there goes the OT pay, and who needs that in this economy? Not the F.O.P. I’ll tell you that!

The history of loyalty to the Black and Gold by the local pork purveyors is legendary in these parts. Think back to the 70s when one of the steel curtain inmates at the time, one Ernie “Arrowhead” Holmes was caught shooting at a State Police helicopter in what had to be a cannabis-induced outburst right along the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Old Arrowhead didn’t do any jail time as I recall, well if he did it was a lot less than you or I would've done, what with the Steelers being involved in four SuperBowls and him being a member of the "Steel Curtain" and all.

So what were these cops thinking yesterday when they arrested our own "San Anton"?
Well here are the facts recapped up to this point: You have a black male athlete, driving a large SUV on the week when the Giants are in town and the Pittsburgh Cops get a tip that there’s some “whacky tobackky” to be had just a hop, skip and a jump from the Hill District.

“Pittsburgh’s Finest” spring into action and when they pull said vehicle over, the driver says he’s Santonio Holmes of the Pittsburgh Steelers, only he doesn’t have his wallet because, "There’s no pockets in football pants”.

The one cop, looking very similar to Chris Farley, says while attempting to wipe the smile off his face, “C’mon Plaxico, you don’t think we’re going to fall for that routine again. Now where’s the maryjoowanna?” Santonio, now looking very perplexed says that yes he indeed has these “Blunts” (cigars laced with marijuana) and hands them over.
Since Santonio didn’t attempt to conceal his stash, the charging traitor, er officer, a Sgt. R. Griffith, said that, “Holmes was not arrested but will receive notice of the charge in the mail“. That’s really great officer, so where do you send said citation since you don’t have any proof as to who he really is?

Mario Lemieux, seeing the flashing lights outside of “his house” at One Mario Lemieux Place came out to investigate and was understandably upset. Speaking away from the cameras on the scene, Lemieux went on what seemed like a ten minute rant about the Steelers. “This would be like Sidney rolling a joint and smoking it down at the UMPC Center or whatever they call it,” Lemieux said through clenched teeth. “Only Sidney wouldn’t do that and neither would I. And did you see the pictures of Casey Hampton pounding on the glass during a playoff game last year? He could have easily, EASILY broken that section of glass! Do you know how much those cost me? That would be like Evgeni going down and skating on Heinz Field (if it rained and then froze, but you get what I mean). I’m tired of the Steelers acting like Mellon Arena is their own personal playpen where they can do whatever they please because, 'Hey, we're the Steelers'.”
After Santonio had driven away and Mario gone back into the Arena, "Officer Doright", already beginning to feel the heat from his fellow donut-lovers for "pinning a tail on a Steeler" tried to put a positive spin on the whole sad story.

“Hey pal, you want one?”

Sadly, he had offered me a donut. He was still holding a box of Dunkin Donuts, munchies that were removed, ironically enough, as evidence from Plaxico’s er Santonio’s SUV. Wait till these guys start losing out on their playoff overtime money. They'll be all over him. I actually kind of feel sorry for him right now.
The NFL has yet to comment on the whole incident, (expect that on Monday), but judgment should be swift and terrible. “Especially after he made that crack about the NFL being a bunch of pansies the other day,” said a league official still hanging around town for the big tilt this Sunday (that remark was actually made by Troy Polamalu by the way). The league, conveniently already had officials here to discuss the rash of Hines Ward fines and, “We decided to stick around for some much overdue partying and those women that Pittsburgh’s famous for”. ABOVE: This probably wasn't her.
Before heading off for the South Side Steelers training facility the one "No Fun League" official in a tan trench coat offered this nugget of insight: “Listen bub. We'd gotten a tip that there was going to be some big trouble goin' down in the Burgh this week. Somethin’ to do with Plaxico. We figured we'd better stick around. Looks like a good career move on our part cause it looks like the Pittsburgh Cops got their man."

But did they really get their man, or is this another case of black athletes being lumped into one faceless category of pot-smokin', trash-talkin', SUV drivin', ne'er-do-wells?
Yeah. You guys did a real nice job alright! I'll be sure to put a good word into Roger Geddell next time I see him.